On Dealing with Perfectionism

Perfectionism — isn’t that a good quality to have? Shouldn’t one strive to be better and do the best that they can in all things? Perfectionism is something that our mainstream culture often promotes as a positive quality to possess for a worker, student, athlete, and other positions. But is it always a good thing?

What is perfectionism?

Frequently, perfectionism is thought of as a way to be motivated, to drive toward achievement, and to feel a sense of accomplishment and power in ‘having it all together’ and ‘being at our best.’

While yes, it is good to be motivated to do well and put forth our best effort in work and relationships, often times people struggling with perfectionism are battling with the fear of failing or disappointing themselves or others rather than simply striving for better.

In fact, true perfectionism can be a maladaptive way of interacting with the world and be harmful to your mental health and wellbeing. It can negatively impact motivation and the ability to have healthy relationships with ourselves and others.

Perfectionism is setting impossibly high standards for one’s self and others and working incredibly hard to do everything exactly right in order to avoid the feeling of being rejected or criticized. We all try to avoid messing up or making mistakes to a certain degree, but to a perfectionist, making any mistake feels monumental and cultivates a world of anxiety for themselves in fear of being exposed as weak, incapable, or as a failure.

Due to the impossibly high standards and expectations that perfectionists hold, they often live with a constant sense of worry, stress, fear, and exhaustion while attempting to measure up. Inevitably, when unable to attain their high standards, they can feel a sense of worthlessness and not being good enough, and so continues the cycle of striving to be perfect to prove themselves.

Where Does Perfectionism Come From?

It is important to understand that perfectionism is less about striving towards perfection for the sake of achieving excellence and instead emerges out of a place of fear: a fear of rejection, a fear of exposure, a fear of disappointment, or a fear of failure.

Generally, there is a longing to be known, to be in deeper relationship with others, and yet an apprehension in being seen due to a sense of self-defectiveness. Somewhere along the line, the assumption that “if I am perfect, then I wont be rejected or ridiculed, and will receive love and acceptance” turns into a belief that now causes distress, indecisiveness, procrastination, and shame.

This can develop as a way to cope with a sense of self that is viewed as being somehow flawed or not good enough, stemming from feeling as though they don’t fit in or have a place in this world without something to offer. If living in this belief, it makes sense that a perfectionist would want to endeavor to do all that they can to be perfect in an attempt to make good things happen, feel accepted, and get their needs met.

But instead of that happening, with such high expectations and impossibly high standards, they fall short of the goals they set for themselves and internalize any perceived failure as not being good enough as well as a mark against their self worth. This tends to lead to lower self-esteem and increased anxiety and depression.

There seems to be a cycle that perfectionists tend to fall into that easily sets them up for failure and can lead toward self destruction:

Setting unattainable expectations → failure to reach those expectations → internalization of the failure and falling into depression → experience of lethargy and low energy with a deep sense of failure → developing high self-blame/doubt and lower self-esteem → increased anxiety and focus on “improving.”

And so the cycle continues. Understand that this cycle is developed in an attempt to serve a purpose: a way of seeking out love, self-worth, and security. This type of cycle often begins early in life and progresses and intensifies through life if not interrupted.

What is the result of perfectionism?

Chronic perfectionists are both miserable and unproductive in their cycles. For many, they develop a sense that they are not worthy, and believe that they have some sort of defect or flaw that tends to lead to low self-esteem because they feel as though they are losers.

This feeling is often shadowed by a sense of guilt, accompanied by shame and self-judgment. In dealing with this internal struggle, the majority of perfectionists struggle with depression and a pessimistic outlook, not believing that they can reach their own goals.

It is common for perfectionists to become overwhelmed and paralyzed by their expectations or goals and experience low motivation to get things done, often times leading to procrastination behaviors. In the mindset of a perfectionist, mistakes are unacceptable, which makes it difficult to be able to get things done.

So in procrastinating, there is a temporary relief of anxiety because you cannot mess up or do poorly on something that you have not yet begun. But when they are working toward a project or goal, perfectionists can shift into obsessive and rigid efforts, checking and rechecking, in their attempt to perfectly complete it without mistake and with the highest possible quality.

Often times, perfectionists struggle with distorted thought patterns, including: all or nothing thinking, emotional reasoning, critical thinking, negative mental filter, and rigid thoughts. All or nothing thinking is a way of seeing things in only black and white categories: “either I was perfect or I failed.”

This type of thinking does not take into account all of the complexities in life. Allowing for more gray in your life can help lessen the harshness and unrealistic reality of living in the black and white categories of success or failure. Emotional reasoning is the assumption that because you are feeling a specific emotion, it must be true, such as “I feel embarrassed so I must be a loser.”

This thought may feel intense in the moment, but does not reflect reality or truth. Engaging the world with a negative mental filter means that you only pay attention to specific types of evidence that lends to your way of thinking.

For example, you may notice all of the times you “failed” but ignore all of your successes and progress along the way. All of these thought patterns are unhelpful and often keep the focus on negative examples, feelings, and behaviors that hold you in the cycle of perfection.

 

What can I do about my perfectionism?

A first step in addressing perfectionistic tendencies is to be honest with yourself. Do you truly believe that perfection is something you can actually attain? In order to begin to break the cycle and move out of perfectionism, you must truly come to terms with the fact that perfection, in any capacity, is simply an illusion. It is something that you could chase forever and never reach. It is not a destination available to us.

Perfection is an objective that we were never meant to accomplish, and therefore never will. When we are able to grasp and honestly trust that this is truth, only then will we be able to live in the life of freedom that God, through His sovereignty, intended for us.

Perfection is an objective that we were never meant to accomplish. Share on X

 

There is no such thing as perfection in self improvement or any other capacity as humans. This should be freeing news indeed! Once we realize that perfection is an absolutely unattainable goal, we are able to receive the grace that God offers us when we fail.

When we realize that perfection is unattainable, we can receive the grace that God offers us when we fail. Share on X

Yes, I use when and not if intentionally because the reality is that we are imperfect ourselves, living among imperfect people, in an imperfect world and will indeed fail simply because we were not created to be perfect. Understanding and fully believing that as truth will be the ultimate step in releasing the fear of failure, mistakes, or disapproval.

This realization requires a shift in your belief of what failure is and what proportional response is appropriate. Try giving yourself permission to make mistakes or fail. It is inevitable anyway, but allowing yourself to accept that it will come with no repercussion against your worth can be so freeing.

Being able to attach a new meaning to failures or mistakes is also helpful. Instead of judging and criticizing yourself when making a mistake, shift your thoughts to the new wisdom and knowledge you have the opportunity to glean from the situation.

In what way can you benefit from the experience of not doing something absolutely perfect? Instead of putting so much energy and effort into avoiding any type of mistake, you have the chance to learn and gain positive information about yourself when coming up against struggles and challenges. This is something you would miss out on if focusing solely on the avoidance of any misstep or error.

Take time to evaluate how and in what areas of your life that perfectionism manifests. Does it show up in your work, relationships, hobbies, appearance, school, or other areas? Are there certain areas in which you have less grace with or higher expectations for, such as in your relationships with coworkers, partner, parents, siblings, friends or strangers?

How has it taken a toll on your quality of life? Asking these questions honestly and developing greater self-awareness helps to provide you with an opportunity to begin deciding to respond differently when you feel the inclination to slip back into the cycle of perfectionism when situations arise.

Also, being able to begin to identify the negative thoughts and unkind ways that you talk to yourself in the cycle of perfectionism is important. Being aware of how you talk to yourself is huge. We generally would never allow others to speak to us or a loved one the way that we speak to ourselves. Examine the content of your thoughts and assess whether they are indeed accurate.

Easily slipping into harsh thoughts of self blame, doubt, and deprecation will only keep you stuck in the cycle. Don’t allow negative thought patterns rule your thoughts, actions, or opinions of others. Instead, as the Bible says “… take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Take stock of the content and tone of your thought life and begin to practice positive self talk. Instead of holding onto negative labels or criticizing yourself, be intentional to speak kindly to yourself in your everyday inner dialogue.

Try to purposefully recognize all that you already do well, perhaps things that you may have previously just dismissed with the thought “that doesn’t count.” Encourage yourself and others by extending grace, compassion, and kindness.

Seeking Assistance Through Counseling

If you identified with the qualities or experience of perfectionism in this article, you may be battling with perfectionism. This can be a very isolating, exhausting, and detrimental way to live. Breaking the cycle of perfection can be a challenging endeavor and require persistence and grace.

You don’t have to go through this alone and can learn to address the underlying issues with a Christian counselor. Together you can examine the beliefs about yourself that you may not have acknowledged before and how they have affected the way you interact with the world. You can discuss and manage steps in a treatment plan toward breaking the cycle of perfectionism and finding your true worth in Christ.

You can get to a place of loving and accepting yourself; Jesus is the ultimate healer and source of our value and worth. By seeing yourself the way God sees you, without the impossible standards, as well as knowing that He is perfect so that we don’t have to be, you can walk in the freedom He intends for us.

This requires self-acceptance and self-compassion that may seem foreign to you. A counselor at Seattle Christian Counseling would love to walk alongside you to encourage, help guide, and keep you accountable as you begin the journey toward a greater sense of freedom from the cycle of perfectionism.

Reach out to us today and set up a risk-free appointment with a counselor you feel comfortable with. We are here for you.