To Avoid Marriage Problems Learn How to Love Each Other Better

Principal 2 of a Principals of Marriage Series
from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver
Tips and Strategies adapted from exercises in Gottman and Silver’s book

How a couple describes their past is one of the best indicators of the health of their relationship according to Dr. John Gottman in his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” Gottman is an expert in recognizing behavior signs that a couple will not make it– we’re talking a 91 percent accuracy. (2) And he says, even when everything else is ruined beyond all hope, if a couple shows signs of sentimentality and admiration, there’s hope for them. (63) One way Gottman gauges this is by asking couples what their relationship was like in the early years. If a couple remembers their relationship fondly, they have a much better chance of straightening out their relationship and surviving. But if a couple starts changing the past and making it sound so miserable you’re left scratching your head over why they ever got married in the first place, there’s really no hope for them. (64) But for those not ready to give up yet, this article offers tips and strategies for couples looking to salvage their relationships.

Begin at the Beginning

If it seems like your partner’s flaws are looming over your affection for them like Godzilla over Tokyo, Gottman advises stopping to remind yourself of what it is about them that made you want to marry them. “By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities–even as you grapple with each other’s flaws–you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.” (65)

Paul gives the Philippians a similar admonition in chapter 4, verse 8, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” He was offering them advice about how to pursue Christlikeness in the midst of anxiety. His lesson also applies to couples overwhelmed by a negative perception of their spouse– whenever you find yourself building momentum on a negativity treadmill, jump off and start thinking about something more positive.

 Tips and Strategies (70-71)

 Assess your views on your marriage

• Making a list of things you appreciate about your partner

• List some instances when they displayed these qualities

• Sketch a history of your relationship

o What were the early years like?

o Why was your spouse the one person you wanted forever?

o How did you feel about committing to marriage?

o What was it like adjusting to married life?

o What have the ups and down of your relationship been like?

 Discuss you and your spouse’s views on marriage

• Share some things each of you think make marriage works.

• Compare your respective parents’ relationships to yours.

• Make a chart of your marriage– ups, downs, changes.

 Restoring affection through Christian counseling

Learning to love someone again is difficult. It’s so easy to focus on all their flaws and why you got so irritated with them in the first place. A session with a professional Christian counselor can help you and your partner steer away from focusing on all the negative traits you see in each other and remember what attracted you to each other in the first place. The scripture-based approach of Christian marriage counseling can help you improve your marriage through a combination of proven therapeutic techniques and Godly principles.

images cc: freedigitalphotos.net – Young Couple Having Argument by David Castillo Dominici and Bride and Groom Kissing by photostock