When You’re Feeling Guilty: Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Guilt

Feeling guilty is a common human emotion that involves judging yourself negatively and then feeling distressed about it. It is the uneasy feeling you get when you think you have messed up, done something wrong, failed to meet expectations, or violated your own moral standards. Typically, it is brought on by your own concept of what is right or wrong.

Feeling guilty when you know you did something wrong is normal and appropriate and can serve as a catalyst for personal growth that motivates you to make amends, fix the perceived wrong, and make an effort to change the behavior that caused it. Some people, however, feel guilty about things they should not feel guilty about, which may have destructive results.

Guilt that is not aligned with reality can feed into shame and inadequacy and lead you to believe you are the problem rather than having simply caused it.

Healthy Guilt Versus Unhealthy Guilt

Healthy guilt Healthy guilt focuses on behavior and corrects rather than condemns. It motivates empathy and repair, promotes positive growth, helps you learn from your mistakes, and leads to constructive changes such as an apology, making amends, and purposing to make better choices going forward.

Unhealthy guilt Unhealthy guilt condemns and targets you instead of your behavior. It can lead you to question your worth, make you feel like a failure, turn into shame that keeps you trapped in the past, prevent growth, and cause physical symptoms such as stomach aches, loss of appetite, and trouble sleeping.

Common Types of Guilt

Reactive guilt Reactive guilt comes from inside you and is linked to your personal standards. It is a feeling of remorse for doing something that goes against what you believe is morally right, or for not doing something you feel you should have. It can be triggered by things such as gossiping or breaking a promise to a friend, or by behaviors or inactions that do not affect anyone else but you, such as skipping exercise classes or smoking when you committed to quit.

Interpersonal guilt Interpersonal guilt is feeling remorseful about something you did or did not do that hurt another person or let them down in some way, such as not helping a friend who asked for support, lying to someone, or moving away from home to accept a job in another part of the country.

Survivor’s guilt Survivor’s guilt can be a reaction to surviving a traumatic, life-threatening event in which others were seriously injured or lost their lives, or it can also be a reaction to a non-life-threatening event, such as holding onto your job after a round of company layoffs, or having joy in your life when things are so bad in the world and so many others are suffering.

Privilege guilt Privilege guilt involves feeling guilty about things such as having more than others due to unearned advantages, such as socioeconomic status or access to resources they don’t have, living a comfortable life while others live in poverty, or having a good job while a friend is unable to find work

Parental guilt Parental guilt is feeling guilty about things such as not being able to spend more time with your family due to external pressures, such as a demanding work schedule, or not doing as good a job of parenting as other parents seem to be doing.

False guilt False guilt is an irrational feeling of guilt, even though you haven’t done anything objectively wrong.

Anticipatory guilt Anticipatory guilt is feeling guilty about the possible consequences of something you want to do before you do it, such as wanting to call in sick to work, but feeling guilty about the extra workload it may cause your coworkers.

Existential guilt Existential guilt is not linked to a specific act or event, but rather may be triggered by thinking about general injustice, the unfairness of life, or that you are not living up to your full potential.

Collective guilt Collective guilt is triggered by a sense of shared responsibility for the harm done by members of a group you belong to, and feeling guilty about not doing more to help.

Practical Steps for Moving Past Lingering Feelings of Guilt

Acknowledge your feelings Acknowledge that you are feeling guilty and ask yourself what is triggering it. Are you feeling remorseful over something you did wrong, or are you feeling guilty about something you were not responsible for or that was out of your control?

Practice self-compassion Recognize that everyone makes mistakes, and guilt is meant to guide you – not define you. Challenge negative self-talk and replace it with kinder, more realistic words.

Forgive yourself Accept the fact that we are all imperfect beings, including you, and forgive yourself for your mistakes and shortcomings. See them as opportunities for growth and change, rather than labeling yourself as a bad person.

Express your remorse to the person affected Expressing your remorse about what you have done to the person affected starts the process of making amends.

When possible, make amends Taking responsibility for your actions and making amends whenever possible can be one of the most powerful ways of letting go of guilty feelings.

Learn from the experience You can’t rewrite events, and they can’t be fixed by ruminating about them, but you can learn from the experience and take positive action to change future behavior, so you respond differently going forward.

Pray Ask God to help free you from your lingering feelings of guilt and enable you to once again feel the joy you had before those feelings took root.

Consider counseling Counseling can help you understand what’s at the core of your guilt, process your feelings, identify and reframe negative thought patterns, and learn healthy ways to move forward.

What the Bible Says About Sin and Guilt

Because of Adam and Eve’s disobedience in the Garden of Eden, we are all born with a sin nature.

As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. – Romans 3:10-11, NIV

Sin separates us from God, creating a chasm we cannot cross on our own. Only Jesus can bridge the gap through His atoning death on the cross.

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 6:23, NIV

When we repent of our sins and put our faith in Christ, we receive the gift of salvation and eternal life.

Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on them. – John 3:36, NIV

And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. – Acts 2:21, NIV

No sin is too big or terrible to be forgiven. When you truly repent of your wrongdoings and trust Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, even the most unthinkable sins are wiped away.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. – Romans 8:1, ESV

The battle with sin is ongoing. Even after we are saved, unconfessed sin can still distance us from God, but when we acknowledge our wrongdoing, turn to Him with a repentant heart, and confess it to Him, He is faithful to forgive us and wash us clean.

Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. – Proverbs 28:13, NIV

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John 1:9, ESV

When believers do something wrong, feeling guilty is a normal reaction. However, there are two kinds of guilt – one that is appropriate, and one that is not. Godly sorrow over the wrong we committed, and a desire to be forgiven and make amends for the harm done, leads to life. Worldly sorrow, on the other hand, only bemoans getting caught. It does not feel remorse.

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. – 2 Corinthians 7:10, ESV

If you would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in our directory to discuss your struggles with guilt, please give us a call.