Identifying Abandonment Trauma in Adults

Regardless of a person’s age, abandonment trauma is a genuine issue for many individuals. Although the term is relatively new, adults who grew up before the 1980s were still subjected to the trauma of abandonment. There was no name or diagnosis for it, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t occurring. Abandonment trauma occurs when a person is abandoned at some point in their life. This could have happened in early childhood, adolescence, or even adulthood.

Abandonment trauma creates fear that stems from experiences such as the loss of a significant figure, divorces or break-ups, or early life neglect. Abandonment trauma causes a fear of others leaving the relationship. As a result, this fear can create emotional scars that may influence a person’s thoughts and behaviors regarding future or present relationships. These scars, fears, and thoughts can sabotage a marriage unintentionally.

God didn’t design us to live alone, but rather to be in community with others. Likewise, He created us for intimate relationships. It makes sense that we do not like people leaving us, whether it is by divorce or death. These experiences cause some to feel like they should isolate themselves from others completely. It is important to understand the many faces of abandonment trauma and its effect on relationships.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-6, ESV

Identifying the Signs

Every individual who experiences abandonment trauma will display the symptoms differently. This could be influenced by the type of abandonment the person experienced and possibly the age at the time of the event. The most common signs that are detected in adults with abandonment trauma are:

Inability to Maintain a Stable Relationship Continually finding a reason to end a relationship before the other person, so they aren’t the ones leaving

Codependency Constantly feeling responsible for other people and wanting to save them

Needy Behaviors Behaviors that are defined as clingy

Substance Abuse Using drugs or alcohol to numb the intense emotions

Fear of Intimacy Unable to connect intimately because of the fear of being left after investing emotionally

Trauma Denial. Putting distance between oneself and the traumatic experience(s)

Self-Sabotage Avoidant behaviors that push people away

Intense Emotions The inability to regulate emotional responses

Need for Validation and Reassurance When an individual constantly needs to have the relationship validated and always needs reassurance that the other person is not going to leave

People Pleasing Always aiming to please others without thinking of personal needs

Dissociation Feelings of being disconnected from self, whether it’s their emotions or surroundings

Perfectionism When the individual sees being perfect as a way to keep others from leaving them

Identifying any signs of abandonment trauma is the first step to healing. Once an individual knows there could be an issue, they can seek help through a Christian counseling service. A Christian counselor can create a faith-based treatment plan to navigate through healing from abandonment trauma.

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them. – Psalm 145:18-19, ESV

Common Causes of Abandonment Trauma

Children and adults alike need to feel supported, loved, and safe. When this need goes unmet, it can shape an individual’s attachment style and trigger abandonment trauma. Most of the leading causes of abandonment trauma typically occur in childhood and follow an individual into adulthood.

Abandonment trauma is experienced by children who are abused, neglected, left by a caregiver, experience the death of a significant loved one, or endure harmful situations in the home. Childhood neglect can also occur in the form of poor parenting skills. A healthy and stable living environment is important for children. When this is disrupted, it can cause the child to feel as though they could be abandoned at any time.

Divorce can also trigger abandonment trauma. It is difficult for the child not to assign blame or take responsibility for the divorce. Likewise, if a partner is not emotionally invested in the relationship, a person may begin to develop abandonment trauma and to exhibit dissociation from themselves and their surroundings.

How Does Abandonment Neglect Affect Mental Health?

The effects of the fear of people leaving in childhood can linger in long-term consequences in adulthood. When this happens, adults may find themselves facing issues that result in low social skills and an inability to commit to relationships. This could also lead to feelings of being unable to control what is happening in one’s life. Various mental health issues could develop out of abandonment trauma.

• Eating disorders are one way that a person can feel as though they have control. It’s not about body image; it has everything to do with control. Bingeing, purging, and restricting are a few of the behaviors that allow a person to feel as if they are in control.
• Personality disorders become common among those who experience abandonment trauma. These disorders result from the inability to form the healthy attachments that were needed as a child.
• Self-harm can become a coping mechanism that is exacerbated by a lack of impulse control and emotional regulation.
• Depression becomes an issue because abandonment trauma has a direct effect on self-esteem.
• Anxiety can be fanned into flame as trust issues and the internalization of the traumatic experiences take root.

Attachment Styles

Another aspect of mental health related to abandonment trauma is that of attachment styles. Attachment styles are generated from one’s thought processes and experiences of relationships from the earliest years.

Known as either anxious or avoidant, a person’s attachment style will be linked to their experiences. With the anxious attachment style, the individual may exhibit clinginess, the fear of being rejected, and a struggle with intense emotions. On the other hand, the avoidant style of attachment is usually marked by being emotionally distant.

Because of these effects on mental health, it is important to connect with a Christian counselor and develop a faith-based treatment plan.

Learning to Overcome Abandonment Trauma

The best way to understand and overcome abandonment trauma is to seek therapy. When you have identified that there is a problem with a fear of being abandoned, you can seek help and improve your mental health.

Through Christian-based counseling, you can learn to understand the events that have left you wounded as you gain the skills to have healthy relationships. Therapy will delve into the past, talking about the events that left you feeling abandoned. This can help shift thought processes, prompting positive and productive behaviors for relationships and life.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is the most common therapy model used when treating abandonment trauma. This therapy is a talk therapy with allows the individual to talk about the things that bother them the most.

Dialectical behavior therapy focuses on interpersonal effectiveness, mindfulness, and distress tolerance. This therapy was designed to help those with personality disorders, but it can be helpful in other areas of mental health wellness.

Along with the above therapies, an individual can incorporate personal practices that help them navigate through the trauma for healing and coping. There is no timeframe for healing from any traumatic event, but there is always a process that can guide individuals as they navigate the journey of healing.

Activities such as journaling thoughts and feelings daily or taking time to pray and meditate on scripture can deepen the healing process. Likewise, using art to express emotions may provide a way to talk about hard things. Prioritizing physical activity each day provides a means of releasing stress caused by negative thoughts and feelings.

Acknowledging the feelings related to abandonment trauma can begin to release the power and control that the pain has over the individual.

Getting Help

If you feel that you or a loved one may be experiencing the effects of abandonment trauma, reach out to our offices today. We can connect you with a Christian counselor from our practice who can help you unpack what contributed to your abandonment trauma and help you untangle its toll in current relationships. They will create a faith-based treatment plan with you to walk in healing and health.