Tips for Developing Emotional Regulation Skills

If you have ever wished that you could be more in control of your emotions and less reactive and volatile, you are not alone. Many things cause emotional dysregulation, and people of all ages, from infants to the elderly, sometimes struggle with it.

They don’t teach emotional regulation skills at school, and by the time we’re adults, most of us simply have to find a way to cope with our overwhelming feelings. Thankfully, there are methods to develop emotional regulation skills, most of which work for everyone.

Four Seasons in One Day

The first type of emotional dysregulation is when you feel many different intense emotions in rapid succession. You might start the day feeling down, but you eventually perk up, become furious, feel ashamed, and then depressed again, all in the space of a morning. These mood changes might come out of nowhere, or they might be triggered by relatively minor things, like someone audibly chewing their food near you.

This type of emotional dysregulation is often caused by a mood disorder or hormonal imbalances. Extreme mood swings, anxiety, depression, and irritability are common effects of a thyroid imbalance, menopause, pregnancy, and grief, for example. While you can develop and apply emotional regulation skills, they might be less effective without addressing the underlying issues.

Not all emotional dysregulation has a medical explanation, but it is one of the first things to consider. Sometimes, emotional dysregulation is a natural part of the landscape you are traveling through.

The Swamps of Sadness

In the classic fantasy film The Neverending Story, there is a scene in the middle of the film that has scarred an entire generation. The hero Atreyu travels with his best friend, Artax the horse, in search of a way to save their land. At some point, Atreyu and Artax have to enter a place called “The Swamps of Sadness,” and it is here that Artax the horse begins sinking into the muddy ground. Sadly, Atreyu can’t save him, and his horse friend disappears forever in the swamp.

The picture of being slowly consumed in the dark mud is horrific, but it is also a powerful analogy for emotional dysregulation. If you have ever gotten stuck in an emotion, slowly been consumed like poor Artax, you know exactly what emotional dysregulation looks and feels like.

Seemingly out of nowhere, you get caught up in a certain feeling and, no matter how hard you try, you can’t free yourself. This is the second type of emotional dysregulation: getting stuck in the swamp.

The Anatomy of Emotions

There is a part of your brain that will help you develop emotional regulation skills called the prefrontal cortex. This area of your brain is directly behind your eyes, running the length of the bottom front, middle, and side of your brain. It is responsible for your rationale, impulse control, and emotional regulation.

Important to note, this zone only finishes developing around the age of 24 in neurotypical people and as late as 34 in neurodiverse people. This explains why younger people and neurodiverse people struggle with things like impulse control and emotional regulation: their brains are quite literally underdeveloped in this area.

It’s helpful to know that your brain and body chemistry affect your emotions. There is a physical component to emotional regulation skills, and you can’t ignore it if you want to regain control of your outbursts or moods. However, there is more to the equation.

Triggers

When you have an emotional breakdown or when you slump into a mood you can’t shake, you have responded to a trigger. The trigger might be hormonal or chemical, but frequently it is an external event. The pattern of emotional dysregulation often starts with a triggering event that you interpret in a certain way. Your interpretation of the trigger causes you to think about the event, and it is your thoughts more than anything else that affect the way you feel about what happened.

For example, let’s say that you text a friend and ask her if she wants to hang out and catch up. She replies saying that she can’t because she has other plans, but that she would love to another time.

That might be your first trigger: a friend has declined an invitation to spend time together, and you have interpreted that as rejection. However, then you see on her social media that she is spending time with a mutual friend, doing things that you enjoy doing with her. Now your mood spirals, as your perception of being rejected is confirmed.

Developing emotional regulation skills begins by recognizing your triggers and determining your response. When your mood begins spiraling, it feels as if your emotions have been hijacked. You can’t help but think and feel certain things. It is an event that triggers your perception, your perception guides your thoughts, and your thoughts affect your emotions.

Developing Emotional Regulation Skills

There is an exercise many counselors do with their clients that helps a person develop their emotional regulation skills. It is a journaling tactic that requires a pen and a piece of paper. Divide a blank sheet of paper in half by drawing a line down the center of it. Label the right-hand box Emotions. Divide the left-hand box in two again, leaving you three boxes on the page in total. Label the top left box Event and the bottom left box Perception.

In the box labeled event, write a summary of the event or trigger that began your emotional crash. Make it as factual as possible without adding any emotion to it. Using the previous example, you could write Invited my bestie out for brunch, but she declined. Then I saw that she went out with other friends. Keep it as simple as possible.

Next, in the right-hand box labeled emotions, list as many emotions as you can in relation to the triggering event. There are online charts that you can consult, which list all of the emotions in certain categories.

This helps you develop your emotional vocabulary, and identifying and naming the things you feel is one of the most important emotional regulation skills. Going with the example, you would probably write emotions like betrayed, hurt, angry, jealous, or disrespected in this box.

Finally, you’re going to spend some time reflecting in the perception box. Remember that a triggering event leads to thoughts, which lead to emotions. You’ve identified the event and the emotions that came from it; now turn your focus toward yourself. When you are ready, use an “I” statement to describe how you are feeling about yourself in the context of the events.

For example, you would probably feel overlooked if your best friend declined to spend time with you and chose to spend time with someone else instead. That would make you feel worthless and easily forgotten. The “I” statement you write might be something like:

• I am inadequate.
• I’m not as fun.
• I’m never their first choice.

These are the self-perceptions that cause emotions to come to the surface and disrupt you. You didn’t choose to think or feel these things, but by taking responsibility for them with the “I” statement, you are no longer blaming someone else for your emotional dysregulation.

This exercise encourages you to identify your triggers, name your emotions, and challenge your self-perceptions. It takes intention to discover these things, and developing emotional regulation skills takes practice. You won’t become more regulated overnight, but aim for progress – not perfection – and things will feel more manageable.

Support for Healthier Emotional Regulation

There is a lot that you can do to develop emotional regulation on your own, but everyone benefits from extra support. Having a counselor means having someone to share struggles and breakthroughs with. We hope that you can find a counselor on this site or by speaking with our reception team. Connect with us today.