Healthy Steps to Take When You’re In An Unhappy Marriage

Life is often unpredictable and leads us to places we wouldn’t expect. Our hearts and our deepest intentions may aim toward a particular end, but all too often things don’t work out as hoped.

Sometimes, things just happen, and our plans don’t work out; at other times, our choices work against us and result in disappointment. Whatever has led you to your present situation where things haven’t worked out, you have options available that can help you weather the storm.

A marriage is a complicated relationship. Sharing your life and living with another human being sets the stage for complex relationship dynamics to play out.

People get married with good intentions, but over time the various challenges that crop up in life act as an abrasive that either polishes and refines your marriage, or slowly breaks down the relationship. What can you do if you find yourself in an unhappy marriage?

The roots of unhappiness in marriage.

Whether you wake up one morning and suddenly realize that you’re unhappy, or the realization dawns on you gradually that the marriage you’re in isn’t the one you’d hoped for, that awareness is valuable. The first step to addressing an issue is to recognize that there is a problem that needs attention. Instead of going around acting like it’s business as usual, if you recognize that your marriage is an unhappy one, you should take that seriously.

The path to an unhappy marriage is a long and winding one, and no two couples have the same story. What this means right off the bat is that your story is unique, and unraveling it often requires the help of an expert in relationship dynamics such as a marriage and family therapist. Your therapist can help you unpack the dynamics in your relationship that may be feeding into the unhappiness you’re feeling.

There are several common reasons why unhappiness seeps into a marriage. Some of these reasons may include the following.

You had a rocky start and never recovered.

Some marriages struggle from the beginning for various reasons, such as marriages of convenience or if you got married while feeling uncertain about taking that step. Some marriages struggle because the couple didn’t receive adequate preparation for what marriage entails through premarital counseling, and the couple doesn’t have the tools to deal with the realities of marriage

Disconnection.

Marriage is the union of two lives; two bodies, minds, hearts, hopes, and dreams. Doing life together requires intentionality because people get busy and the demands on their attention and energies are unceasing. People also grow and change, and one has to be committed to growing together. You have to be deliberate about carving space in the marriage to remain connected because it’s easy to drift apart.

If your needs for connection aren’t being met in your marriage, opportunities can and do arise to have those needs met elsewhere. For example, if you’re not feeling heard or supported at home, compliments from a coworker may draw one away from the marriage toward the outsider.

If those connections with an outsider are fostered, it can lead to an emotional or sexual affair, which drives a further wedge in the marriage. Disconnection between spouses can also occur due to experiences such as grief and loss of a loved one, with the spouses experiencing it and processing it differently.

Broken promises and unmet or unrealistic expectations.

A good marriage is founded on hope, truth, and love. Marriage requires each person to invest themselves wholly in the endeavor, and when they begin to lose faith in what they’re doing, they begin to pull out of the relationship. When disappointment sets in because a partner didn’t keep their promises, that can trigger that loss of faith and usher in unhappiness.

Perhaps one spouse said they’d leave room for the other to go to school after a year or two, and then that plan gets upended. Perhaps plans for having children may get shelved, to the disappointment of one or both spouses. Sometimes disappointment sets in because of unrealistic expectations about what marriage is like. When imagination and reality collide, unhappiness can take hold.

Different personalities not gelling.

When you encounter stressful situations, how you handle them will differ from person to person. Sometimes what’s stressful to one person simply isn’t to another. Having a different sense of humor from one another can also become problematic in a marriage. When you have different personalities, you need to work at creating cohesion, cultivating a mutual appreciation of your differences, and supporting one another.

Disrespected boundaries.

Every healthy relationship requires clear boundaries. That is how two people can love each other well. Those boundaries may be about money, time, or how you use your space. When boundaries are disrespected, needs aren’t being met and the individuality of the spouses isn’t recognized, leading to unhappiness. Disrespect of boundaries also happens through violations such as physical, verbal, and emotional abuse.

Outside influences.

A marriage is not a hermetically sealed situation that is immune to influences from outside. Whether it’s the in-laws, friends, or seeds planted via social media and movies, ideas filter into the marriage, shaping expectations, cultivating discontent, and promoting or undermining the relationship.

Comparison with others can also lead to unhappiness. The adage that the grass is always greener on the other side applies to marriage; single friends may seem happier, as might other married friends.

Options when faced with an unhappy marriage.

Our hearts are restless, and marriage requires a constancy that needs nurture. When you find yourself in an unhappy marriage, there are various ways of dealing with it. For one thing, just because you feel unhappy does not mean that you need to leave the relationship.

Unhappiness alerts you to something being amiss in your situation, and the way to remedy that is not to exit the situation posthaste. The reason that isn’t helpful is that the situation could be replicated in another relationship if left unresolved, and then the cycle begins again. One needs to address the underlying issues, and often these issues are rooted in our own hearts.

You must take your feelings of unhappiness seriously. Trace them to their source and figure out what’s at the root of the unhappiness in your marriage. Talk with your spouse about what’s going on, inviting them into your world. Perhaps they are utterly unaware of what’s going on, or perhaps they are also feeling that things aren’t right. It may be an uncomfortable conversation, but it could save your marriage.

To turn things around will often require change on both sides, and you need to prepare yourself for that. Change is not only uncomfortable, but it requires actively investing yourselves in new and creative ways into habits that will restore health to your marriage. It’s a learning experience that will take time, and it will also challenge you.

If your partner doesn’t want to change and put the work in, that doesn’t mean you can’t do some work on yourself. Some situations (such as those where abuse is present) will require stepping away for the sake of safety. Speaking with a professional such as a counselor will help you work out the next steps so that you don’t remain in an unhealthy and unsafe situation.

Finding help to address an unhappy marriage.

The marriage relationship touches every aspect of one’s existence, so it’s not surprising that an unhappy marriage can color your entire experience of life. If you’re feeling unhappy in your marriage, there are options available for you to address the issues. Many couples seek guidance through Christian couples counseling.

It is a safe space for you and your spouse to share your story and unpack your concerns. Your counselor won’t judge you, but they will provide you with clarity about the dynamics at play in your relationship. Some of these dynamics are unhealthy, and your counselor will guide you to see how these affect your relationship, and how they can be substituted for positive behavior and thought patterns.

A Christian counselor can help you appreciate God’s design for marriage and equip you with tools to overcome hardship in your relationship and cultivate a healthy marriage. Don’t give up on your marriage without fighting for it. If you’re in an unhappy marriage, reach out to a qualified marriage and family therapist for help and make an appointment to get to work on your marriage.